Abuja, Nigeria (14 July 2025) — In an unexpected twist that shocked absolutely no one above age 40, Nigeria’s president and eternal political gymnast, Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, has reportedly taken the ultimate political step — exiting life entirely.
Sources close to the Presidency confirmed that “the Jagaban of Borgu” passed on peacefully during a closed-door meeting — or possibly a nap. It is unclear whether he was dreaming about Lagos budgets or just pretending to listen, as was tradition.
Federal officials have since lowered national agbado flags to half-mast, and declared a Level 4 Godfather Vacuum Emergency, warning that the geopolitical balance of power could shift now that over 67% of Nigerian politicians no longer have where to submit loyalty oaths.
“It’s truly the end of an era,” said Senator Musiliu Shakara. “Who will now decide who becomes councillor in Zamfara from his living room in Bourdillon?”
FROM EMILOKAN TO EMILASTBUSSTOP
Tinubu, 93-ish (depending on the document), rose from obscurity — and possibly multiple birth certificates — to become Lagos State Governor, APC kingpin, National Decoder of Votes, and ultimately the man who proved that sheer political stubbornness could become a vision board.
His 2023 campaign slogan “Emi Lokan” (It is My Turn), was translated into 59 Nigerian languages, 3 dialects of body language, and one ancient Benin dance.
In his final address (which no one could fully transcribe due to technical grammar issues), the president assured Nigerians of “renewed hopelessness,” which aides later corrected to “renewed hope.” Autocorrect remains under investigation.
NATION IN MOURNING, BUT ALSO IN GROUP CHATS
As news broke, streets across Nigeria were filled with a mixture of wailing, WhatsApp chain messages, and suspicious dancing.
“Na wa. Tinubu don finally off mic permanently,” said Mama Nkechi, a roadside seller. “But make dem check well o! That man don die like three times before and still show up at UNGA with a fresh cap.”
Meanwhile, INEC has denied reports of preparing his 2027 nomination form “just in case.”
The APC has announced plans to rename Eagle Square to Jagaban Plaza, and install a talking statue that periodically mumbles, “We go turn the economy to butter.”
The PDP, meanwhile, declared 40 days of political dance, urging Nigerians to “respect the dead, but please remember who caused dollar to reach ₦2,100.”
FINAL ARRANGEMENTS
Tinubu will be buried with full national honours, his walking stick, and a flash drive containing the secret Lagos budget from 2002–2025.
His will reportedly leaves:
Lagos to Sanwo-Olu APC WhatsApp group to Shettima And 14 pending EFCC files to be cremated immediately
In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to donate old PVCs and faded campaign posters.
As the nation says goodbye, one thing is certain: Nigeria may never see another like him — and even if it does, it should probably demand receipts this time.
Developing story. Refresh for more lies.
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