Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for the most Nigerian political love story ever: Two men fight like lions to become president, only to immediately remember they’d rather be anywhere but Nigeria.
Yes, we’re talking about Muhammadu Buhari and Bola Tinubu—two leaders whose passports have more stamps than a Naija visa office. These men campaigned like their lives depended on it, swore they’d fix Nigeria, then, the second they won, developed a sudden, incurable case of “I Need to Be in London/Paris/New York Right Now.”
Buhari: The Original Jetting President
Ah, Buhari, the man who turned “medical tourism” into a presidential hobby. Nigerians were promised “Change,” but the only change we saw was the location on his flight tracker.
· Campaign Promise: “I will tackle insecurity and fix the economy!”
· Reality: Spends 200+ days abroad in his first term.
· Nigerians: “Oga, are you ruling Nigeria or collecting frequent flyer miles?”
At one point, Nigerians started wondering if Aso Rock was just a fancy Airbnb he occasionally remembered to visit. And let’s not forget his legendary “I’m not dead!” press conference after rumors spread that he’d been replaced by Jubril from Sudan. (Plot twist: Some still believe it.)
Tinubu: Hold My Champagne, I’m Continuing the Legacy
Then came Tinubu, the man who fought like a Nollywood action hero to get into office, only to immediately develop an allergy to Abuja’s weather.
· Campaign Slogan: “Renewed Hope!”
· Actual Agenda: “Renewed Trips to France.”
Within months of taking office, Jagaban was spotted in Paris more than Nigerian potholes. At this rate, we’ll soon see headlines like:
· “President Tinubu Governs Nigeria Remotely from Dubai”
· “Aso Rock Now a Tourist Attraction—President Only Visits for Instagram Photos”
· “Breaking: Tinubu Declares Heathrow Airport His Second Office”
Why Do Nigerian Presidents Love Running Away?
Scientists (okay, just me) have theorized possible reasons:
- The Presidential Jet is Too Comfortable – Why sit in traffic when you can sip champagne at 40,000 feet?
- Nigerian Problems Follow You Everywhere… Except When You’re in Another Country – Out of sight, out of mind!
- They’re Secretly Competing for a Guinness World Record – “Most Countries Visited While Avoiding Governance.”
What’s Next?
At this point, we should just rename Nigeria’s presidency to “The Most Expensive Travel Blog.” Future candidates will campaign on:
· “I promise to spend less time abroad than my predecessor!” (A revolutionary idea.)
· “If elected, I will only travel for actual emergencies… like when Chelsea loses a match.”
Conclusion: Should We Just Move Aso Rock Abroad?
Maybe the solution is simple: Relocate Nigeria’s seat of power to London. That way, our presidents won’t have to keep flying back and forth.
Until then, we’ll just keep watching as our leaders treat Nigeria like a part-time gig, while the rest of us wonder: “Are they presidents or professional tourists?”
Final Thought: If Buhari and Tinubu ever write memoirs, the title will be: “How to Win an Election and Immediately Forget Where Your Country Is.”
Drops mic. Waits for presidential jet to take me out of Nigeria too.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 