FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that has left geophysicists, cartographers, and anyone who owns a globe profoundly confused, the United States of America has formally submitted a request to the United Nations, and by extension, the planet itself, to “please stop turning for a little while so we can get our bearings.”
The request, delivered on a gold-embossed note card and signed with a very bold, very black Sharpie, cites “unprecedented disorientation” and a desire to “get off” as the primary reasons for the planetary pause.
“The spinning, it’s tremendous, the biggest spinning you’ve ever seen, everyone says so,” began a statement from the Office of the President. “But it’s very unfair to us. We’re trying to step off this carousel of globalism, and it’s just going too fast. We need a time-out. A very beautiful, very powerful time-out.”
The scientific community has been thrown into chaos. Dr. Alistair Finch of the International Astronomical Union spoke to reporters from his office, which was visibly tilting. “We’re looking into it, but frankly, it’s not as simple as hitting a ‘pause’ button on a remote. The conservation of angular momentum is a thing. If the Earth just stopped, well, everything that isn’t nailed down—and most things that are—would continue moving eastward at roughly 1,000 miles per hour. It would be… messy.”
When informed of this potential side effect, the administration seemed undeterred. “We’ll build a wall,” an anonymous source suggested. “A big, beautiful atmospheric wall to stop the flying cars and loose buildings. And the Moon will pay for it.”
World leaders have responded with a mixture of alarm and weary resignation.
· A spokesperson for the German Chancellor simply sighed and said, “Nein.”
· The French President was quoted as saying, “Zut alors! First they leave the Paris Accord, now they want to leave the solar day? What is next, do they wish to negotiate a new orbit?”
· From Down Under, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison offered a characteristically pragmatic Antipodean perspective: “Look, if the world stops spinning, we’re officially upside-down forever. So, yeah, not ideal for us. We’re gonna have to pass on this one, mate.”
The Nigerian President Ebola Tinubu in a statement from Paris said “na wahala be this one o”
The logistical implications are staggering. The 24-hour news cycle would become a literal, permanent news ellipse. High noon would forever blaze over Kansas, plunging Siberia into eternal night. The concept of “jet lag” would be replaced by “existential lag.” Farmers are concerned about crops that require both sun and shade, while vampires have reportedly filed a class-action lawsuit, calling the proposal “discriminatory and overly sunny.”
Citizens on the street have had mixed reactions. “I just got my life together, and now they want to stop time?” said Brenda from Ohio. “My yogurt is going to expire in a state of permanent uncertainty.” Meanwhile, a man in a Make America Great Again hat enthusiastically supported the idea. “It’s about time we put America first in the day! Why should we have to share the sun with other countries? We should get the best, brightest part, and we should keep it.”
Critics have pointed out a potential hypocrisy, noting that the request comes just years after a popular campaign slogan promised to “Get this country moving again.” Supporters have countered that this is the logical next step: you can’t make America move again if the whole world is moving around you. It’s about focusing on our own trajectory.
As of press time, the Earth has yet to formally respond to the request, though early indicators—such as the sun rising in the east this morning—suggest it is, for now, ignoring the memo. The administration, however, remains optimistic.
“We have the best planets, believe me,” the statement concluded. “But this one, it’s a disaster. A total disaster. If it won’t stop, we’ll find a better one. It’s what we do.”
Update 3:14 PM EST: The President has just tweeted that if the Earth refuses to stop, he will simply sign an Executive Order to have the direction of spin reversed, “because going the other way looks much, much better.” Scientists are now quietly weeping.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 