ABUJA – In a move that has left absolutely no one confused because it is perfectly clear, the Federal Government of Nigeria today issued a robust, double-barrelled statement regarding the former Governor of Kogi State, His Excellency Yahaya Bello.
The statement, read by a specially trained spokesperson who can maintain a completely straight face, aimed to clarify the government’s position, which is both simple and complex: we think the world of him, and we also think he belongs in a cell.
“The Federal Government wishes to state in the strongest possible terms that Alhaji Yahaya Bello is a man of impeccable honour, a pillar of integrity, and a man whose reputation is whiter than a newborn lamb wearing a snowsuit in a blizzard,” began the spokesperson, Mr. Fibson O. Tact, adjusting his tie made of pure Nigerian flag material.
That is why the government is prosecuting Senator Natasha Akpoti Uduaghan for criminal slander against the Kogi white lion whose character is beyond reproach.
“This is precisely why we must prosecute the Alhaji with the full force of the law for the alleged diversion of eighty billion naira. It is out of deep respect for his otherwise sterling character that we feel compelled to ensure his name is cleared through a rigorous legal process, preferably one that ends with a long prison sentence. This is how we honour our finest.”
Mr. Tact went on to explain the government’s nuanced approach, which he described as a “Patriotic Paradox.”
“You see, if we did not hold His Excellency in such high esteem, we would simply ignore the allegations. But because we believe he is one of the best leaders this country has ever produced, we must set an example by chasing him through the legal system with the fervour of a Nollywood action hero. It is a testament to our belief in his inherent goodness that we are spending millions of naira on lawyers to prove he is not good.”
The government, he assured, has the former governor’s best interests at heart. “We are not persecuting him; we are perfecting him. A stint with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) is merely an intensive leadership retreat. Instead of trust falls, there will be asset tracing. Instead of group seminars, there will be interrogations. It’s all about personal growth.”
When asked about the curious case of the government defending the honour of a man it is actively trying to convict, Mr. Tact seemed puzzled by the question.
“There is no contradiction. Think of it like a parent who dearly loves their child but must still punish them for, let’s say, ‘allegedly’ taking the family’s entire life savings to buy a fleet of golden jet-skis. The parent would say, ‘My child is the most wonderful, honest child in the world, which is why I must now ground them for the rest of their natural life.’ It is basic parenting. Nigeria is simply parenting Yahaya Bello.”
Social commentators have praised the government’s innovative stance.
“It’s genius, really,” said one political analyst. “They are appealing to his supporters by praising him, while simultaneously appealing to everyone else by prosecuting him. They’re covering all bases. It’s like saying, ‘He’s a great guy, but if you think he’s a thief, we agree with you too!’ It’s a bold new form of democracy.”
As of press time, Yahaya Bello was unavailable for comment, as he was reportedly busy preparing his defence, which is expected to be built on the foundation of his honourable reputation—the very same one the federal government is so vigorously defending as it tries to lock him up.
The case continues. As does the praise.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 