If corruption in Nigeria were a musical, the bottleneck would be its lead dancer — twisting, turning, and blocking every move forward until someone drops a little something in the drummer’s hand.

We Nigerians don’t just have bottlenecks; we manufacture them with the same dedication Toyota manufactures cars. You want a driver’s license? A passport? A contract signed? Even a signature from the village chief’s cat? Brace yourself. There will be a bottleneck. Not because the process is complex — oh no, on paper it’s usually just one page, three steps, and a smile. But in practice? That’s where the artistry comes in.

First, the gatekeeper. This is the man (or woman) strategically placed to look as if they’re working, but whose real job is to sigh heavily and say, “Oga, the system is slow today.” That’s code for: grease me or grow grey hair waiting.

Then comes the sacred file. This file can disappear into the ether for months, only to miraculously resurface ten minutes after you’ve “appreciated” someone. Nigerian files don’t move on paper trails; they travel on cash trails. Think of them as VIPs—they only fly first class, and your envelope is the boarding pass.

And finally, the bottleneck itself: the invisible wall. You can see your goal on the other side—your approved paper, your license, your goods at the port—but there’s an unseen blockage, like the Red Sea before Moses showed up. Unless you find your own “Moses” (usually in the form of a hungry officer with family problems), you will drown on the shores of bureaucracy.

What makes bottlenecks the ultimate corruption tool is their deniability. Everyone can smile and say, “We are following due process.” Meanwhile, the due process is a due profit, and everyone in the chain gets their share. It’s the Nigerian version of revenue-sharing, only the government never sees it.

So how do you tackle bottlenecks? You don’t. You nurture them. Bottlenecks are the real GDP: Gross Delay Product. Remove them, and half the economy would collapse. Entire families depend on “settlements” from trapped files and locked containers. If we modernized the system overnight, unemployment would skyrocket.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of fighting bottlenecks, Nigeria should admit the truth: bottlenecks are not obstacles. They are the business model.

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Would you like me to punch this up into a mock newspaper editorial style (like Guardian or Punch), or keep it as a blog-style satire?