BENIN CITY – In a tragic turn of events that has left satirists and political observers weeping into their cups of palm wine, the concept of Irony was declared critically ill today after being found battered and unconscious outside the Edo State Government House. The prime suspect in the assault? Governor Monday Okpebholo, who has allegedly delivered the fatal blow with a freshly signed Memorandum of Understanding (MOU).
The incident occurred just months after Governor Okpebholo, then a candidate, built a significant part of his campaign on painting his predecessor, Godwin Obaseki, as the dreaded “MOU Governor.” Obaseki, he claimed, was a man of fancy papers and empty promises, a signatory of meaningless documents that bore no fruit. He vowed to be different, a man of action, not acronyms.
Witnesses report that Irony was in stable condition during the campaign season, even thriving on the sheer audacity of the rhetoric. However, it was rushed to the emergency room the moment Governor Okpebholo, pen in hand, put his signature to a new MOU, officially ushering in what critics are calling the “Era of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black.”
“I saw it happen,” said one stunned aide who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being signed into a committee. “One minute, Irony was standing there, healthy and robust. The Governor said, ‘This MOU marks a new dawn for Edo State,’ and—BAM!—Irony just collapsed. It didn’t even have time to chuckle.”
The political sphere is in mourning. Comedians have been left unemployed, claiming Okpebholo has stolen their best material. One local satirist, Ima Joker, lamented, “How am I supposed to make jokes about this? This isn’t satire anymore, it’s a documentary. The man has made reality funnier than fiction. I’m out of a job.”
Opposition parties have been quick to pounce, not with criticism, but with confusion. “We don’t know whether to attack him or congratulate him on achieving a perfect political paradox,” said a spokesperson. “Our attack ads are just 30-second clips of us staring at the camera, dumbfounded.”
Supporters of the Governor, however, have mounted a vigorous defense. They argue that this is not irony, but “strategic repositioning.”
“There is a fundamental difference,”explained one ardent supporter. “Governor Obaseki’s MOUs were bad. Governor Okpebholo’s MOUs are good. It’s very simple. This one has a different font, and the Governor used a blue pen instead of black. Totally different.”
Another added, “This MOU is for the people. The other ones were for… for… other people. You wouldn’t understand.”
As for the victim, doctors at the “Satire Memorial Hospital” have given a grim prognosis.
“Irony has sustained catastrophic injuries,”said Dr. Pun Itous. “We’re doing everything we can, but the vitals are weak. We’ve administered a strong dose of Self-Awareness, but the patient isn’t responding. At this point, we can only hope for a miracle.”
The incident has sent shockwaves beyond Edo State. In Abuja, reports confirm that the statue of “Cognitive Dissonance” has been seen sweating profusely. Meanwhile, in a related development, the word “Chutzpah” has filed for a restraining order.
When approached for comment, Governor Okpebholo seemed unfazed. “I don’t see what the big issue is,” he stated, while reportedly glancing at drafts for several more MOUs. “We are simply fulfilling our promise to move away from the old ways of governance.”
He then invited the press to a ceremony next week where he will be launching a new initiative called “Project No More Empty Promises,” which will be inaugurated by the signing of a 50-page MOU.
The public is advised to remain vigilant. If you see Irony, do not attempt to resuscitate it yourself. Simply shake your head, share this article with a heavy sigh, and accept that we are now living in a post-ironic world.
Rest in Peace, Irony. We hardly knew ye.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 