Mar-a-Lago, FL — Former President Donald Trump has once again dazzled the medical community with his groundbreaking health insights, offering Americans what he describes as “better, cheaper, and more tremendous” alternatives to science.
Speaking from behind a podium decorated with Diet Coke cans, Trump assured supporters that his approach to medicine “makes Dr. Fauci look like a rookie intern.”
COVID-19 and Cleaning Products
Trump revisited his pandemic-era musings with renewed vigor:
> “A lot of people don’t know this, but disinfectant is very strong. Maybe the strongest. If it can kill germs on countertops, why not in the body? Nobody thought of that until I did. The scientists were amazed. Some were crying, very tough men.”
The American Medical Association, reportedly still suffering PTSD from that briefing, immediately released a statement reminding the public that Lysol should never be used as a chaser.
Vaccines and Autism
When asked about vaccines, Trump shrugged:
> “I love vaccines. I made vaccines. Without me, there would be no vaccines. But also, I hear they cause autism. People are saying it. Smart people. I’m not saying it, but people are saying it. And frankly, some autistic kids are geniuses, so maybe it’s a win-win. Who knows?”
Doctors across the nation were last seen slamming their heads repeatedly into their stethoscopes.
Pregnancy and Painkillers
On the topic of expectant mothers, Trump became philosophical:
> “Women, they’re always taking painkillers. Always. It’s bad for the babies, very bad. I mean, when I was born, I didn’t need painkillers. My mother gave birth to me naturally, strongest birth maybe in history. No drugs. The doctors said they’d never seen a baby that orange.”
A Doctor Like No Other
Trump concluded by hinting at a new career move:
> “They call me President, but maybe they should call me Doctor. Doctor Trump. Sounds great, doesn’t it? I’d have the best medical practice, everyone says so. No waiting rooms, no insurance, just winning. A lot of winning.”
Meanwhile, actual doctors have begun updating their malpractice insurance to cover “Trump-related fallout,” which now ranks just below “TikTok health trends” on the list of medical threats.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 