ABUJA – In a move that has simultaneously electrified the nation and left many scratching their heads, the Honourable Minister of the Federal Capital Territory, Mr. Nyesom Wike, has announced plans for a landmark event: the grand, public, and meticulously choreographed opening of a standard A4 manila envelope.
The event, slated for next Tuesday at the Eagle Square, is being billed as “A New Dawn for Stationery” and promises to be a spectacle of unprecedented bureaucratic grandeur.
Sources close to the minister’s office revealed that the idea was born during a particularly intense executive meeting. “The Minister was handed a report in a simple, unassuming envelope,” our source whispered, clutching a ceremonial letter opener. “He looked at it, then at the room, and declared, ‘This is not just an envelope. It is a symbol of potential. A sealed promise to the people! We must open it with the pomp and circumstance it deserves!’”
The planned ceremony is expected to rival a national day parade. Invitations, printed on gold-leaf cardstock and delivered by couriers wearing plumed helmets, have been sent to all 36 state governors, foreign diplomats, and select members of the National Association of Paperclip Manufacturers.
The itinerary, leaked to this publication, is as follows:
· 10:00 AM: Arrival of Dignitaries and Sealing Wax Officials.
· 10:30 AM: Cultural Displays by Troupes representing the “Six Geopolitical Zones of Office Supplies.” (The South-East troupe will perform a dramatic interpretation of a stapler in action).
· 11:00 AM: Keynote Address by the Minister titled, “From Gum Flap to Glory: Unsealing Nigeria’s Future.”
· 11:45 AM: THE MAIN EVENT. A red carpet will be rolled out. The envelope, carried on a velvet cushion by four aides, will be presented to the Minister. After a moment of solemn reflection, he will use a solid gold, diamond-encrusted letter opener to slice through the flap.
· 12:00 PM: The contents of the envelope will be revealed. (Rumours are flying: is it the long-awaited Abuja Master Plan? A secret memo on pothole repair? An overdue bill from NEPA? The suspense is palpable).
· 12:05 PM: A 21-gun salute using confetti cannons.
· 12:10 PM: Unveiling of the official “Envelope Opening” commemorative stamp.
The budget for the event has raised a few eyebrows. A whopping ₦250 million has been allocated for the ceremony, covering costs such as:
· Rental of Eagle Square: ₦50 million
· Custom gold letter opener: ₦120 million (“It’s an investment in our stationery heritage,” an aide defended)
· Confetti cannon salute: ₦45 million
· “Mystery Content” procurement: ₦35 million (leading to speculation that if the envelope is empty, something will have to be put in it, quickly).
Public reaction has been mixed. Civil society groups have decried the event as “peak jamboree,” while social media is having a field day. One user tweeted, “If Wike opens that envelope and it’s just a ‘You’ve Won a Lottery’ scam from 2007, I will finally understand Nigerian politics.”
Meanwhile, the Minister remains unperturbed. At a press briefing, he stated, “We must celebrate the small things. Today, an envelope; tomorrow, a filing cabinet! We are building a FCT where even the most mundane administrative tasks are conducted with world-class panache. This is not frivolity; this is good governance.”
The event is expected to be broadcast live on all major networks. Viewers are advised to stay tuned, keep their expectations low, and their sense of irony fully charged.
The envelope could not be reached for comment.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 