If Nigerian courtrooms had a loyalty card system, Nnamdi Kanu would have earned a free trial by now — complete with complimentary garri and groundnuts at the door. But alas, instead of redeeming points, he has been redeeming drama, and the Nigerian judiciary has been given front-row seats to one of the most chaotic one-man stage plays in modern legal history.
There are defendants who defend themselves with law.
There are those who defend themselves with facts.
Nnamdi Kanu? He defended himself with creative insult artistry and cultural self-rebranding.
“Minster Judge, I Am Not Black African — I Am Jewish and Biafran!”
When legal arguments were needed, Kanu went for ancestry.com gymnastics.
Like a student who didn’t read for exams and instead writes inspirational quotes in the answer booklet, he decided that if the facts weren’t in his favour, identity plot twists would do the job.
He rejected “Black African” membership as if he was returning an unwanted item to customer service:
“I am not Black African. Black Africans are stupid. I am Jewish. I am Biafran.”
The courtroom was left spiritually and geographically confused. If maps could talk, the African continent would have applied for emotional damages.
Legal Team? “You’re Fired!” Before Trump Made It Trendy
Kanu didn’t just sack his legal team — he rotated lawyers the way Premier League clubs rotate coaches during relegation battles. At one point, the court wasn’t sure whether to adjourn for legal consultation or issue LinkedIn skill endorsements to all the lawyers traumatised in the process.
His legal defence strategy was simple:
Hire lawyers. Ignore their advice. Sack them for not doing the impossible. Accuse them of sabotage. Repeat.
“These Charges Don’t Exist in Nigerian Law — And If They Do, I Reject Them!”
Kanu’s courtroom logic was like someone denying paternity on the grounds that they didn’t like the baby’s name.
He insisted his alleged offences were not recognised by Nigerian law, and even if they were, Nigerian law had no jurisdiction over him because — plot twist — his British passport contained diplomatic immunity, supernatural immunity and maybe Avengers-level immunity.
The British government, meanwhile, responded with the diplomatic equivalent of,
“Bro, read the fine print. You’re on your own.”
When Illness Became a Legal Strategy
When argument, identity and sovereignty gymnastics didn’t work, the “Medical Emergency Season” began.
Suddenly, he discovered illnesses that even WebMD would reject for lack of imagination. When the Nigerian Medical Association reviewed the claims and said, “Oga, you’re fine,” he didn’t seek a second opinion — he verbally assaulted the doctors.
It was the first time medical diagnosis was rejected on the grounds of “This result does not favour my brand.”
If This Is the Dress Rehearsal, Biafra as an Independent State Would Need Paracetamol
Let us be honest: Kanu’s supporters are not following him because of his leadership style — they are following him because the current South-East political leadership has the courage of soggy bread. The vacuum of bold leadership has given his megaphone a surround-sound amplifier.
But if this courtroom performance is a preview of what his presidency of an independent Biafra would look like, then citizens should start practising how to flee to Ghana in peace time.
Imagine a Head of State who sacks his ministers weekly for disagreeing with him, rejects the constitution mid-speech and declares himself the only tribe in the census. Even North Korea would say, “Oga calm down.”
Final Verdict?
He may be found guilty based on his actions, his tongue, his theatrics, or the sheer volume of judges who now have migraine therapy on speed dial.
Yet, sadly — he will still retain a fan base. Not because he has earned it, but because the South-East’s political class has the moral backbone of plantain chips soaked in rainwater.
When leadership is absent, even noise appears like a national anthem.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 