If Niccolò Machiavelli, Henry Kissinger and a Lagos “area boy” ever decided to write a joint textbook on 21st-century diplomacy, they would still struggle to match the creative foreign policy gymnastics of Donald Josephine Trump.
Forget traditional diplomacy; Trump introduced us to a new school of statecraft: “The Diplomacy of the Asylum.” A style where every handshake is a reality show, every summit is a campaign rally, and every agreement sounds like it was negotiated inside a Walmart queue at 2am.
Let’s take a tour through this geopolitical circus.
Kazakhstan: The Audition Episode
Before the Middle East was roped into signing friendship agreements like reluctant classmates forced into group work, Trump began widening the club of people he could later claim as “his very good friends.” Enter: Kazakhstan.
To Trump, Kazakhstan was that quiet, oil-rich kid at the back of the UN classroom who didn’t cause trouble. Trump looked at them and thought:
> “They’re rich, they’re strategic, and most importantly… they don’t tweet insults at 3am. Perfect!”
Trump hosted then-President Nazarbayev at the White House with the same enthusiasm he introduces a new beauty pageant sponsor. There were smiles, handshakes, praise for Kazakhstan’s “incredible potential,” and Trump possibly assumed Kazakhstan was one of the “nice Muslim countries” that could sign a discount Abraham Accord if asked nicely and offered naming rights to a Trump Tower in Astana.
The Abraham Accords: Middle East Version of “Big Brother Naija”
Trump approached the Middle East peace process like a talent show where countries were auditioning for a spot in Season 1 of “Keeping Up With the Kushners.”
Countries were signed up as if they’d won a raffle at a shopping mall:
UAE: ✔️ “You’re modern, rich and know how to take nice skyline photos. You’re in.”
Bahrain: ✔️ “Small but mighty. Welcome to the cast.”
Sudan: ✔️ “You’re broke and need to escape sanctions? Collect this Accord and behave yourself.”
Morocco: ✔️ “We’ll trade you Western Sahara recognition for a peace selfie, deal?”
The Trump approach to peace was simple: if two countries were not currently punching each other, boom, peace deal! Even if they had never argued before.
By this logic, Trump might soon announce:
“Historic Peace Accord signed between Sweden and Botswana – no more fighting, folks. I fixed it.”
Middle East Diplomacy: Asylum Meets Real Estate Agency
Trump treated the Middle East like a giant refugee asylum application system, except the asylum wasn’t for people — it was for governments seeking protection, favour or photo-ops.
Leaders would arrive hoping for defence deals or US blessing; Trump would pose with them like landlords posing with tenants who just paid 2 years rent in advance.
His message was clear:
> “Sign the Accord, smile for the camera, say something nice about me — and America might stop sanctioning your country like a stubborn landlord cutting off a tenant’s electricity.”
The Abraham Accords became a Middle East loyalty club, like a geopolitical Costco membership. Sign once, enjoy unlimited Trump hugs, Jared Kushner WhatsApp messages, and possible invitation to Trump’s “I-Fixed-The-Middle-East” victory tour (tickets sold separately).
Why Kazakhstan Didn’t Join
Kazakhstan watched the Middle East line up for the Abraham Accord autograph session and said:
> “We are Muslim, yes. But we are also Central Asian, post-Soviet, and allergic to drama. We’ll pass, thanks.”
Also, Kazakhstan saw how Trump treated loyal friends: ask the Kurds, ask NATO, ask Melania.
Kazakhstan stayed outside, sipping tea, minding its oil wealth and signing neutral business deals like a responsible adult.
Trump’s Dream: Abraham Accords – Global Edition
Had Trump won a second term, he might have expanded the Abraham Accords into a global Asylum Package:
“Abraham Accord – Deluxe Global Peace Edition”
Sign up and you get:
✅ A Trump-signed Bible and Koran (ghostwritten by his speechwriter)
✅ One golf round with Jared Kushner explaining peace through PowerPoint
✅ A photo with Ivanka — optional platinum package
Potential future signatories, according to Trump logic:
Kazakhstan – “because they’re calm and rich”
North Korea – “Kim and I are best friends, OK?”
Nigeria – “if they promise to stop winning US visas in the lottery”
United Kingdom – “if they stop pretending they don’t need us after Brexit”
Final Thoughts: Diplomacy of the Asylum™
Trump’s diplomacy model treated nations like migrants seeking asylum in America’s good favour:
Praise Trump → accepted
Buy American weapons → fast-tracked
Refuse photo-op → deported from diplomatic relevance
In the end, the Abraham Accords did achieve something positive: some countries now talk to each other without exchanging missiles. But like all Trump projects, it had fine print written by a real estate lawyer who charges per paragraph.
As for Kazakhstan, they live in peace knowing they avoided being extras in the Trump–Kushner peace reality show.
History will debate whether Trump brought peace, theatre, confusion, or simply replaced Middle East politics with seasonal entertainment. But one thing is certain:
No one sells foreign policy like a man who once sold steaks, a university, and the phrase “You’re fired!”
Centre for Nigeria Progress 