On a recent expedition to the legendary ecosystem of Westminster, I went in search of the fabled “Normal Human.” Alas, none were to be found. Instead, the terrain was dominated by a particularly performative subspecies, let’s call them Politicus dramaticus, or as the locals refer to them, “Halfwits.”
The most sighted specimen was a male known as “Honest Bob” Jenrick. I observed him in his natural habitat—a party conference—delivering what can only be described as “authoritarianism with a shiny, happy face” . His mating call, a series of rambling jokes about Liz Truss and Keir Starmer, echoed through the hall, inexplicably triggering laughter from a crowd that seemed to be engaged in a “communal act of self-annihilation” .
The ritual reached its peak when the specimen brandished a judge’s wig, an object he claimed to hold in “heartfelt contempt” . He then proceeded to shriek about a “new order,” effectively “banging the nails into the Tory coffin in their own back yard” . It was a fascinating, if unsettling, display.
🤔 So, Where Are All the ‘Normal People’?
One might assume the entire population of Westminster is made up of such creatures. However, historical records suggest that “normal people” do occasionally pass through. Some even secure internships, with one past report noting a batch of “normal working class people” who had “actually been out, had different jobs and not just been to university and gone straight into politics” . These rare sightings prove that the ecosystem can, at times, support more relatable life forms, though they are often outnumbered and, some would argue, outshouted.
🎭 A Glimmer of Hope Beyond the Bridge
If you seek a refuge from the political theater, consider that the name “Westminster” is not monolithic. Just a short journey away, you could find yourself at the Westminster Dog Show . Here, the judging, while strict, is at least based on a clear and published standard for being a good dog, a concept far simpler to grasp than the daily proceedings in the halls of power.
There, you will find unbridled enthusiasm, genuine affection, and competitors who do not make inflammatory speeches—though some may be prone to slobbering . It’s a world where a Samoyed resembles a “walking snowbank” and a Neapolitan mastiff has the “face of a thousand-year-old man” . In other words, a much more honest and entertaining form of pageantry.
In conclusion, while your search for a normal human in the political zone of Westminster may have come up short, do not lose heart. I recommend a change of venue. Go to the dogs. They are, almost universally, the best of people.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 