Having carefully studied the intellectual works of Donald J. Trump—particularly his groundbreaking theory that geography is merely a suggestion—Nigeria is reportedly considering the annexation of Benin Republic and Niger Republic. Not because they offer anything useful, mind you, but because they are there. And in the Trump school of international relations, that is more than enough.
The policy logic is refreshingly honest. Benin and Niger bring no oil, no dollars, no Silicon Valley, not even a decent airport lounge. What they do bring, however, is space. Vast, unoccupied, innocent space. Space that Nigeria urgently needs for two critical national assets: wandering cows and broken-down articulated lorries.
Nigeria has long suffered from a severe land deficit—not for housing or industry, obviously, but for cows that refuse to respect borders and trucks that have chosen the highway as their final resting place. Annexation would finally give these nomadic creatures—both bovine and mechanical—the freedom they deserve. Cows could roam from Sokoto to Porto-Novo without needing passports, while lorries that broke down in 2003 could be formally recognised as national monuments.
The idea reportedly gained momentum after someone in Aso Rock asked a simple question: “If Trump can talk about taking Canada, Greenland and half the Atlantic, what’s stopping us from collecting our neighbours like souvenirs?” Nothing, it seems, except international law—which, like fuel subsidy, Nigeria has learned to treat as optional.
Under the proposed plan, Benin Republic would become Nigeria’s official overflow car park. All vehicles that fail roadworthiness tests in Lagos would be relocated there, instantly decongesting traffic. Niger Republic, on the other hand, would serve as the National Grazing Extension Programme: endless land, no complaints, and fewer journalists.
Critics have raised concerns about sovereignty, diplomacy, and the minor issue of whether the people of Benin and Niger might object. But supporters argue that objections are overrated. After all, nobody asked Nigerians before annexing suffering, inflation, and darkness—yet here we are.
In the Trump doctrine, annexation does not require reason, consent, or competence. It only requires confidence. Preferably loud confidence, announced at 3 a.m. on social media. One can already imagine the presidential tweet: “Benin and Niger were doing very badly. We’re taking them. They’ll be better under us. Tremendous deal.”
Should the plan succeed, Nigeria would finally achieve regional dominance—not through economic power or good governance, but through cows, lorries, and audacity. And if it fails? No problem. Like Trump, Nigeria can simply deny it ever happened and blame the media.
After all, in this new world order, reality is negotiable—but humour, thankfully, is not.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 