Or: How the High Cost of Flying Now Competes with the Ticket Price for Being Alive
In the land where every traffic jam is an Olympic event and every black-out comes with a bonus cardio workout, Nigerians have always excelled at making the best of the worst. But lately, we’ve found a sector outpacing even our wildest survival instincts: the Aviation of the Absurd.
Yes, Nigeria’s airlines — not content with merely delaying flights, losing luggage, and occasionally vanishing entire aircraft timetables — have now decided they want a slice of the kidnapping market too. Not with guns and ransom notes, mind you, but with fare increases so outrageous they make kidnappers look like philanthropists.
🚨 New Airline Fare Increases
Passengers are now paying more for a one-hour flight than they would for a weekend in Dubai — if only Dubai offered no seats and zero service. The only thing rising faster than airline prices are:
Blood pressure at the check-in desk Suspension of belief Prayers for divine intervention
And how has the government reacted? With all the confidence of a toddler in a spelling bee.
📣 Government Statement (Paraphrased)
“Fare increases? We have no control over that.
Delays? Not our responsibility.
Kidnapping in the skies? Completely unrelated.
In fact, if you see any solutions around, please tell us — we misplaced ours behind the 2025 Budget.”
Yes, dear Nigerian, when the airlines raise prices, the government shrugs harder than a final year student during exam season. They insist there is nothing they can legally do — apparently because aircraft are powered by something called “market forces” and “economics,” which is different from the “public suffering” we plebeians are used to.
✈️ Fare Hikes vs. Kidnap Ransoms
In a shocking twist, Nigerian kidnappers are now undercutting airline prices. At least with a ransom, you might get your loved one back — with flights, you just get an extra hour of airport noise pollution and a new existential crisis. You pay more, get less, and are still expected to clap politely when you eventually reach your seat. In Nigeria, the airline slogan has unofficially evolved to:
“We don’t just take your time — now we take your money too.”
💼 Airport Survival Tips (Free of Charge)
With fares climbing faster than goat heads at New Year, Nigerians are adapting:
Bring snacks that could feed a small army Pack extra socks for emotional support Learn martial arts to deal with airport queue congestion Accept that your seat number is essentially decorative
And when you ask the government why nothing is done about these fare hikes, you’re told:
“We cannot interfere with private businesses.”
Which is honestly the most consistent thing they’ve ever said. Like democracy, traffic, and unstable power supply — we did not build that; government did not do that; government is not responsible for that.
🧠 Final Thought
So yes — while the kidnappers focus on capturing souls in the bushes, the airlines are capturing wallets in the terminals, and the government…
Well, the government is busy capturing press releases that say: “We have nothing to do with any of this at all.”
Which, if you think about it, is basically the Nigerian national anthem of accountability.
🇳🇬 Conclusion
In Nigeria, you don’t need enemies when the airlines and government are collaborating so expertly to make life both expensive and pointless. At this point, surviving a local flight with minimal tears should come with a medal — or at least a free chicken shawarma.
Thanks for flying Kidnap Airways International —
where the only thing guaranteed is uncertainty, and the only thing more unstable than our security is our ticket prices.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 