An Exclusive, If Deeply Confusing, Report from the Bunker
In a move that has shocked pundits and historians—mostly historians—the newly proclaimed “Third Reich” of Donald J. Trump has gotten off to a rocky, and frankly, bewildering start. Sources close to the glittering, gilded situation room report a level of chaos not seen since the last season of The Apprentice.
The trouble began, insiders say, with the branding.
“He immediately hated the name,” revealed a staffer who wished to remain anonymous, citing fear of being called a “low-energy person.” “He said ‘Reich’ sounded ‘too German, very bad Germans, the worst.’ He kept insisting we call it ‘The Third Empire’ or, his preferred title, ‘Trump’s Tremendous and Unprecedented Reign, The Best Reign Anyone’s Ever Seen.’ The acronym was… problematic.”
This focus on aesthetics over authoritarianism has become a recurring theme. The proposed military parade, a cornerstone of any self-respecting regime, was scrapped after a heated argument about the parade route.
“He wanted it to go directly through the heart of Fifth Avenue, because he once said he could shoot someone there and not lose voters,” explained a former general, now serving as Senior Vice President of Military Pageantry. “The Department of Transportation said the logistics were a nightmare. He tweeted that they were part of the ‘Deep State Department’ and that we’d have the parade at one of his golf courses instead. It’s hard to project global dominance when the marching band keeps having to dodge golf carts.”
The regime’s architectural plans have also hit snags. Designs for a monumental, imposing hall of power were rejected for being “not gold enough.” The proposed replacement, a structure dubbed “The Trump Triumph Tower,” is set to feature a 24-hour food court, a timeshare presentation center, and a façade that requires constant polishing to maintain its “intimidating sparkle.”
Policy, too, has been a challenge. The Ministry of Propaganda, now rebranded as “Truthful Social Media,” is in disarray.
“We tried to create a compelling enemy of the state,” lamented the head of the department, a former Instagram influencer. “But he keeps changing his mind. One day it’s the ‘Lyin’ Media,’ the next it’s ‘Sleepy Joe,’ then it’s ‘Low-Energy Jeb.’ We can’t get the messaging consistent. Our focus groups are a mess. Also, he keeps demanding we use more exclamation points and all-caps. It’s hard to sound sinister when your edicts look like a teenager’s angry text.”
Even the traditional secret police have been hamstrung by managerial style. The “Volkssturm” has been replaced by a force called the “MAGA Elite Guard,” whose uniforms are custom-tailored red baseball caps. Their first major operation—to secure the nation’s supply of classified documents by moving them to a highly secure location—was deemed a failure when the chosen location turned out to be a bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.
“The filing system is a disaster,” grumbled one guard, adjusting his cap. “We have nuclear secrets next to the extra toilet paper. It’s not a good look.”
Perhaps the most telling sign of the regime’s dysfunction came during the ceremonial oath-swearing, where officials were required to pledge loyalty not to the constitution, or even to the nation, but to the man himself.
“It was going fine until he made everyone repeat the phrase ‘I do solemnly swear you’re the greatest, just a really great leader,’” recalled a participant. “Then he spent twenty minutes fact-checking the oath, claiming the original draft was ‘perfect’ and that we’d ‘ruined it.’ He ended the ceremony by announcing he was pardoning a turkey. It was July.”
As the world watches this unprecedented political experiment, one thing is clear: while past reichs were feared for their ruthless efficiency, this one appears to be floundering under the weight of its own leader’s vanity and attention span. It’s less Triumph of the Will and more The Gang Tries to Start a Reich.
The final word comes from the man himself, who, when asked for a comment on the historical comparisons, simply replied: “The Third Reich? I don’t know her. I’ve heard it’s a failing concept. My reign is going to be yuge. The best. Better than the First and Second ones, which, believe me, I had nothing to do with. Total disasters.”
Centre for Nigeria Progress 