There’s something magical about Nigerian politicians. One minute, they’re smiling, shaking hands, and promising “dividends of democracy.” The next minute, they’re sitting in office, barking orders like a military dictator who just discovered espresso. It’s like they attend a secret “How to Be a Tyrant 101” workshop immediately after swearing-in.
The Transformation Begins
When a Nigerian politician wins an election, the metamorphosis is swift. The humble “Your Excellency” who once begged for votes now refers to himself in the third person like a Nollywood villain.
Before Election:
“My dear good people, together we shall build a better future!”
After Election:
“His Excellency has graciously approved the construction of a pothole. All hail His Excellency!”
The Sudden Love for Uniforms
Civilian politicians suddenly develop a strange obsession with looking like they’re in the military. They show up to events in oversized agbadas that resemble marshal robes, complete with enough gold embroidery to blind the opposition. Some even add a walking stick—not because they need it, but because it completes the “Field Marshal of Lootopia” aesthetic.
The Presidential (Or Gubernatorial) Decree Syndrome
Democracy? What democracy? Once in office, our leaders start ruling by “executive orders”—a fancy term for “I said so, that’s why.”
- Local Government Chairmen dissolve elected councils and appoint their cousins as “caretaker committees.”
- Governors declare state-wide curfews because a fly sneezed.
- The President bans Twitter, then unbans it, then acts like he did us a favor.
- Governor bans anybody with dreadlock without legal basis
- Governor demands political opponents seek approval prior to entering his domain state
- The President shuts down traffic for his long entourage commence and ends their journey from airport to his living rooms
- A minister allocates land to his sons without due process
The Press Conference Tantrums
Nothing screams “tin-can dictator” like a Nigerian politician addressing the press. The moment a journalist asks a tough question, the leader’s face twists like they just bit into a sour grape.
Reporter: “Your Excellency, why has there been no electricity for six months?”
Politician (adjusts cap like a general about to launch a coup): “You see, my brother, the enemies of progress… (five-minute pause) …the enemies of progress are wickedly sabotaging our efforts!”
The Eternal Tenure Dream
Some politicians love power so much they start hallucinating that the constitution allows them to rule without voters. They’ll sponsor court cases to earn tenure, fund “youth groups” to beg them to stay, and—if all else fails—blame the opposition for “destabilizing the state” when people protest.
Conclusion: Democracy or Demo-Crazy?
At this point, the only difference between our civilian leaders and military dictators is that one group wears camouflage and the other wears aso-ebi. Both rule like emperors, both hate criticism, and both believe the treasury is their personal piggy bank.
So next time you see a politician transform from “man of the people” to “supreme overlord” in 0.5 seconds, just nod and whisper: “Another one has completed the initiation.”
God help us all.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 