🧠💥 A Satirical Investigation into Nigeria’s Most Elastic Politician
Have you ever played the game where someone shouts an answer, and you have to guess the question? Well, in Nigerian politics, one name keeps popping up as the answer to almost everything. That name is Godswill Akpabio – Senate President, former governor, minister, and now the human equivalent of a Swiss Army knife. But what exactly is the question? Let’s explore the possibilities.
- “Who can wear more hats than a royal wedding guest?”
Godswill Akpabio isn’t just a politician; he’s a one-man political wardrobe. He’s been a governor, a senator, a minister, and now the President of the Nigerian Senate. If you look up “versatility” in the dictionary, you might find Akpabio’s photo—unless he’s already been appointed Lexicon Minister and had it removed.
His career path is less of a ladder and more of a game of musical chairs where he always ends up seated—preferably in a plush office. From petroleum commissioner to managing director of a telecom firm, Akpabio has done it all. The man probably has a CV longer than a Lagos traffic jam.
- “Which Nigerian senator can turn a committee meeting into a Netflix drama?”
Recently, Akpabio found himself at the center of a scandal involving allegations of sexual harassment from fellow senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan. She claimed he made inappropriate advances and suggested she “take care of him” for favorable treatment—a plot twist straight out of a Nollywood blockbuster.
Akpabio denied it, of course, citing his upbringing by his late single mother and his reputation as “the most gender-friendly governor in Nigeria”. The ethics committee dismissed the petition due to procedural issues, but not before giving us all something to gossip about during Friday night drinks. 🤷♂️
- “Who needs a hospital when you have social media?”
Rumors once spread that Akpabio was hospitalized in London. But like a superhero who’s just too busy to be sick, he emerged unscathed. Senator Gbenga Daniel personally visited him in London and found him in rude health. Akpabio’s response? “If you listen to social media, you will go to war.”
Clearly, the man knows how to handle gossip—either that or he’s mastered the art of teleportation between Abuja and London hospitals.
- “Which politician can make corruption accusations disappear faster than a plate of jollof rice at a picnic?”
Akpabio has faced multiple corruption allegations, including claims that he diverted over 100 billion naira during his time as governor. Yet, no charges have been filed. It’s almost like he has a magic wand—or better lawyers.
One accuser, lawyer Leo Ekpenyong, was even arraigned for defamation. Talk about turning the tables! Akpabio’s ability to evade legal trouble is so impressive, it’s almost supernatural. 🧙♂️
- “Who can make a Senate session feel like a family feud?”
Akpabio once questioned the legitimacy of Brekete Family Radio, a popular station, accusing it of overstepping its role by interfering in National Assembly matters. Because nothing says “family” like a public spat between a senate president and a radio show.
He might as well have asked, “Who gave them the right to have opinions?”—a question many politicians seem to ponder daily.
- “What do you call a man who’s been a PDP stalwart and an APC kingpin?”
Akpabio is the ultimate political party hopper. He started in the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), defected to the All Progressives Congress (APC) in 2018, and now sits as Senate President under the APC banner. His loyalty is as flexible as a yoga instructor.
If Nigerian politics were a marriage, Akpabio would be that friend who’s been divorced twice but still gives relationship advice.
- “Who can inspire 20 questions and zero answers?”
In 2015, a certain Ewa Okpo Esq. penned a hilarious list of “20 Questions for Godswill Akpabio,” probing everything from his successor plans to whether he’d ordered someone to misdirect the Oro nation. The questions were so convoluted, they made a plate of spaghetti look straight.
Akpabio never answered them, of course. Why bother when you can just change the subject to infrastructure or your next honorary doctorate?
- “Who has more honorary degrees than a university has textbooks?”
Akpabio has been awarded multiple honorary doctorates—in law, management science, you name it. He’s got so many titles, his business card probably looks like a Scrabble board.
If you ever need someone to legally declare that “the poor must be allowed to breathe” while simultaneously voting for hefty allowance increases for senators, Akpabio is your man.
- “What’s the answer to ‘How many protests can one man inspire?’”
From protesters chanting “Akpabio must go” to supporters rallying behind him, this senator knows how to draw a crowd. His ability to polarize opinion is almost artistic.
He’s like the controversial season finale of your favorite show—you love to hate him, but you can’t stop watching.
- “Who’s the human equivalent of a ‘404 Error: Question Not Found’?”
At the end of the day, Akpabio is the answer to so many questions that he’s practically the Swiss Army knife of Nigerian politics—handy, multifunctional, and occasionally puzzling.
So, if Godswill Akpabio is the answer, the question might just be:
“Who’s that one politician who’s everywhere, done everything, and still has time for drama?”
But let’s be real—the real question is:
“How does he do it?”
And that, dear readers, is a mystery not even Google can solve.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 