In a move that has shocked absolutely everyone who has ever read the news, the UK Government has boldly stepped in to regulate the one thing we all thought was a bastion of unimpeachable realism: online pornography.
The new legislation, part of the Online Safety Act, aims to ban a specific act deemed too violent or risky for performers. No, not that one. Or that one. We’re talking about choking.
The announcement was made by a government minister, who we can only assume has never actually watched a drama on ITV, from behind a large, morally upright oak desk.
“We must draw a line in the sand,” the minister stated, adjusting their tie. “The depiction of non-fatal, consensual airway constriction in a professionally produced adult film is a step too far for British society. It’s about safety and sending a clear message.”
The clear message, it seems, has been received with overwhelming confusion.
“Wait, so choking is out?” asked Barry, 34, from Milton Keynes, while taking a break from his favourite video game where the primary objective is to garrote a Soviet guard with a piano wire. “But what about all the… other stuff? Is the helicopter-dinosaur thing still okay? I just need to know what to… avoid.”
This line of questioning has opened a veritable Pandora’s Box of legislative pedantry that the government now seems duty-bound to address.
A Public Desperate for Clarification
Citizens across the nation are now seeking urgent guidance on where the new line of believability is drawn. Key questions include:
· On Plumbers: If a plumber arrives at a home and, within 45 seconds and without any tools, fixes a complex leak simply by looking at it sternly, is this still permissible? Or must he now, by law, at least pretend to use a wrench before any clothes come off?
· On Murder in Dramas: “I’m a bit concerned,” said Mavis, 68, an avid viewer of Midsomer Murders. “Last night, I saw a man bludgeoned to death with a vintage garden gnome. Then, his body was discovered by a vicar who just happened to be passing. Will this be banned? Or is it only the sexy violence we’re worried about?”
A government spokesperson later clarified, “Murder, poisoning, dismemberment, and light treason are all perfectly acceptable forms of entertainment, provided they are undertaken by someone in a nice sweater and solved by a detective with a quirky personality. It’s the eroticised lack of oxygen we’re targeting.”
The Great Pretend-Punch Conundrum
The entertainment industry itself is in a tailspin. Directors are now frantically re-editing content.
“We’ve had to cut a passionate scene from our new rom-com,” lamented one film director, who wished to remain anonymous. “The couple were spontaneously choking on pretzels while flirting. It’s now illegal. The audience will just have to assume the romantic tension.”
Meanwhile, the special effects department on a popular action film was left baffled. “So, we can show a man’s head exploding from a high-calibre rifle shot in slow-motion, but we can’t imply a consenting adult’s windpipe is being lightly compressed? My team and I are struggling with the internal logic.”
The internal logic, experts suggest, is that the government finds certain fictional depictions more politically expedient to worry about than others. It’s easier to take a stand against a specific tabloid-baiting sex act than to tackle the broader, more complex issue of how real-world violence and unrealistic expectations are baked into all media, from porn to Love Island to the nightly news.
So, for now, the new law stands. You can watch a zombie apocalypse wipe out 90% of the human population, you can watch a spy take out a entire garrison with a single paperclip, and you can watch a reality TV star make a life-altering decision after knowing someone for 48 hours.
But please, think of the children. And whatever you do, don’t show anyone pretending to choke.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 