Let’s imagine the United States tries in Nigeria what it did in Uganda against the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA). Spoiler alert: the Americans may run back to Washington faster than NEPA can take light after rain.
Because Nigeria is not Uganda.
Nigeria is… Nigeria. A “special documentary” waiting for Netflix.
Scene 1: U.S. Special Forces Land in Abuja
U.S. Colonel:
“We are here for a coordinated, high-precision, intelligence-led anti-terror operation.”
Nigerian Politician:
“Colonel, you’ve not settled Welcome Protocol. You brought dollars? Sit, let’s discuss understanding.”
From that moment, the Americans know they are no longer dealing with the LRA. They are dealing with LGA — Local Government Agenda.
Scene 2: Joint Operation Planning
The Americans bring surveillance drones, satellite intel and night-vision technology.
Nigeria brings:
A PowerPoint titled “Way Forward” with no way and no forward One General whose only battlefield is WhatsApp Broadcast University A Senator’s cousin who must “join the operation” because his uncle is close to the President
Meanwhile, someone has already leaked the battle plan to the terrorists — for “logistics.”
Scene 3: First Contact With Boko Haram
In Uganda, the U.S. hunted the LRA quietly, surgically, with intelligence.
In Nigeria?
The night before the attack, a press release will announce:
“Joint U.S.–Nigerian Offensive to Begin Tomorrow at 5:30 AM Prompt.”
By morning, Boko Haram is in Niger Republic drinking kunu and laughing.
Scene 4: The U.S. Military Discovers Nigerian Reality
Within 10 days, American soldiers will encounter things that were not in Pentagon briefings:
NEPA taking light during a drone strike Police checkpoint demanding “something for weekend” from U.S. Marines Jollof-induced PTSD because someone served them the wrong brand A goat called “Sergeant Danjuma” running military parade in the barracks
One Marine will write home:
“Mom, this is not a battlefield. It is a sitcom.”
Scene 5: Nigerians on Twitter/X
Day 1: “Welcome U.S. Army! Deliver us!”
Day 10: “Why are they still here? We are not a colony!”
Day 14: #YankeeGoHome trends
Day 15: A conspiracy video emerges claiming U.S. soldiers are here to steal palm oil and gele technology.
And trust WhatsApp Aunties:
“Forward this message to 35 people or America will divide Nigeria today!”
Scene 6: Politicians Complicate the Mission
As soon as the U.S. captures a Boko Haram financier:
A former Governor will appear on TV:
“He is a respected stakeholder. Arresting him is a threat to democracy!”
Another will shout:
“We must set up
Centre for Nigeria Progress 