🏛️ 1. FEDERAL GOVERNMENT PRESS STATEMENT
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
Office of the Minister of Information, Propaganda & Selective Outrage
PRESS RELEASE
Subject: Strategic Diplomatic De-escalation for National Stability
The Federal Government wishes to inform the general public that, after wide consultations, inter-agency synergy, and multi-stakeholder harmonisation for enhanced national coexistence, His Excellency President ___ has approved a conditional and compassionate administrative release of Mr. Nnamdi Kanu.
This decision aligns with our unwavering commitment to peace, unity, and the continuous project of keeping Nigeria as one — by persuasion, force, or a careful combination of both.
This gesture should not be misconstrued as negotiation, capitulation, or a change in the Government’s firm stance against any form of secessionism. Rather, it is a calibrated national confidence-building mechanism to foster stability in the Southeast region.
The Government remains committed to dialogue, provided such dialogue does not question the indivisibility of Nigeria, which is non-negotiable, irreversible, and laminated.
We urge citizens to maintain peace, avoid misinformation, and resist the temptation to dance “Nwa Baby” on the streets in celebration. Law enforcement is watching.
Signed:
Hon. Minister for Information and Strategic Grammar Management (MISGM)
🚩 2. IPOB PRESS STATEMENT
INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF BIAFRA (IPOB)
DIRECTORATE OF WORDS, GRAMMAR & VICTORY DECLARATIONS
PRESS RELEASE
Subject: Victory of the Indigenous People — Biafra Spirit Has Triumphed
The global family of the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB) hereby announces to Biafrans, lovers of freedom, and all oppressed peoples of the earth that our Leader, Mazi Nnamdi Okwu Kanu, has been released from the unlawful captivity of the Nigerian State.
This is not an act of mercy by Nigeria, but a spiritual referendum confirming the unstoppable march of Biafra’s restoration.
IPOB wishes to make it clear that this development was achieved not through compromise, but through the resilience of our people, the roar of our ancestors, and the celestial endorsement of Chukwu Okike Abiama.
We urge our people to remain disciplined as we transition from Phase 2 (Awakening) to Phase 3 (Global Political Domination).
More details shall be made public after our Leader addresses the nation and the non-existing entity known as “the zoo.”
Signed:
Comrade Emma Powerful
⚖️ 3. JUDICIARY PRESS STATEMENT
THE JUDICIARY OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
PRESS STATEMENT
Re: The Disposition of the Case FRN vs. Nnamdi Kanu
The Judiciary wishes to reiterate that it remains independent, impartial, and uninfluenced by executive pressure, public opinion, or the price of pepper soup in any Abuja lounge.
The Court’s decision in the matter was reached after a meticulous review of the peculiar facts, the complex legal labyrinth, and the metaphysical circumstances surrounding the case.
For the avoidance of doubt, the Court did not order, direct, suggest, or whisper the release of the defendant. Any interpretation suggesting such is the responsibility of the interpreter.
The Judiciary has done its part. As to what part we did, the judgment speaks for itself — somewhere between page 74 and 93.
Signed:
Chief Registrar of Carefully Worded Ambiguity
🧖🏾♂️ 4. SOUTH-EAST GOVERNORS’ FORUM PRESS STATEMENT
SOUTH-EAST GOVERNORS’ FORUM (SEGF)
PRESS RELEASE
We, the Governors of the Southeast, welcome the release of Mazi Nnamdi Kanu as a step towards peace, security, and economic revitalisation of our region.
This achievement is the result of our quiet diplomacy, discreet interventions, and tireless engagement with key stakeholders, including the Federal Government, traditional rulers, religious leaders, and one or two people we met by accident at the airport.
We call on our youth to embrace peace, stop sit-at-home, return to school, reopen shops, and allow wedding receptions to hold without fear.
Furthermore, we have secured commitments for new Federal projects in the region, which we will unveil shortly and flag off repeatedly.
Signed:
Chairman, SEGF
Centre for Nigeria Progress 