A coup, as political science textbooks love to remind us, is the unconstitutional removal of a government and the installation of another without voters but with guns. Well, Nigeria—ever the innovator—has improved the formula. Why rely on soldiers when you can achieve the same result with press statements, EFCC whispers, and the irresistible power of “decamp or disintegrate”?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves: Bola Ahmed Tinubu and the APC have launched Nigeria’s first fully certified, gluten-free, civilian coup. No camouflage uniforms required. No martial music interrupting NTA. Just pure, unadulterated political jiu-jitsu.
THE GREAT DECAMPING FESTIVAL — SPONSORED BY APC
Once upon a democracy, political parties had members. Today, opposition parties have hostages. Governors and legislators are being “encouraged”—in the same way a Lagos LASTMA officer “encourages” you to submit your vehicle documents—to drop their party colours and slip into the comforting, fatherly embrace of the APC.
Traditional coup leaders use guns. Modern coup leaders use inducements, threats, and that special Nigerian tactic called “Come, let’s talk inside.”
Opposition politicians are technically free—free like a bird inside a cage with gold bars and no escape plan. Stay in your party? Wonderful. Just don’t expect to contest any election with a faction that the judiciary will declare “invalid” 48 hours before the ballot.
This is not politics; this is false imprisonment with jollof rice refreshments.
THE JUDICIARY: NOW SERVING DEMOCRACY À LA CARTE
The judiciary, dear nation, has never been this agile. Cases involving APC are decided faster than a UK visa refusal. Cases involving opposition parties are timed—lovingly, strategically—so that the judgment becomes purely academic, like a PhD thesis nobody asked to read.
The Rivers State saga? The judiciary stared at an illegal declaration and said, “Hmm. Interesting. Let’s wait. Perhaps it will resolve itself like NEPA light.”
And somehow, 90% of judicial outcomes have mysteriously aligned with APC interests. Even the laws of probability are filing a protest.
Public confidence in the judiciary has dropped so low that if Lady Justice were a Naija influencer, she’d be begging brands for small endorsement deals.
AKPABIO & THE NATIONAL ASSEMBLY: CHEERLEADERS UNITED
The National Assembly under Godswill “Yes Sir” Akpabio has become a pep-squad. They don’t legislate; they vibe.
The Rivers emergency approval was done by voice vote—apparently because opening a physical ballot box would have been too democratic, too stressful, too… constitutional.
Ask the average Nigerian, “Is there any national issue where your representatives stood by the people?” and they will laugh so hard that Dangote will hear it from Lagos.
The legislature is no longer a co-equal branch of government; it’s now the official praise-singing department of the Tinubu Coup Cooperative Society.
HISTORY LESSONS WE REFUSE TO LEARN
Nigeria has seen this movie before.
In the First Republic: political misbehaviour → coup.
In the Second Republic: political misbehaviour → coup.
In the Fourth Republic: political misbehaviour → press release.
Small small, we’re inching towards a sequel nobody asked for.
The singular obsession now is 2027. Forget national development, infrastructure, security, unemployment—those ones can wait. Elections? That one is urgent. National emergency level urgent.
Police, EFCC, judiciary, legislature—everyone has been conscripted into this great “Save Our 2027 Mandate” project.
THE FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT WE’RE WAITING FOR
At this point, the only thing missing is an official broadcast on NTA:
“My fellow Nigerians, this is President Bola Ahmed Tinubu speaking. I hereby announce that I have forcefully taken over the government… from myself.”
Congratulations. We have achieved what West African neighbours have done with guns, tanks, and coup jingles. A fully functional coup—conducted with agbada, committees, and strategic court adjournments.
A civilian coup.
Without soldiers.
Without shame.
And without apology.
Centre for Nigeria Progress 