When Nigerians Say “You Dey Speak English” by Lawson Akhigbe

There is English the language of William Shakespeare, of the King James Bible, of legal drafts so long they require hydration breaks.

And then there is English as deployed by Nigerians.

Two entirely different species.

When a Nigerian looks at you, tilts the head slightly, and says, “You dey speak English,” do not be flattered. This is not a commendation of your grammar, your diction, or your triumphant escape from split infinitives.

It is an accusation.

It means: you are talking nonsense.

It means: you are off point.

It means: please land the plane.

It means: I have left this conversation spiritually and possibly physically.

English as Performance Art

In this context, “English” is not a language. It is a behaviour.

It is what happens when someone abandons clarity for verbosity. When explanation becomes exhibition. When a simple “sorry” turns into a TED Talk on socio-economic pressures and ancestral trauma.

You ask your friend why he didn’t return your £20.

He begins:

“You see, in the contemporary financial ecosystem…”

At that point, you respond calmly:

“Ah-ah. You dey speak English.”

Translation: Pay me.

The Parliamentary Defence

Nigerians have long understood that language can be weaponised to avoid accountability. If you have ever listened to Prime Minister’s Questions in the House of Commons, you will recognise the genre.

Question: “Did you do it?”

Answer: “What the British people care about is growth, opportunity and our long-term vision…”

In Lagos, that speech would not survive 14 seconds.

“Sir, you dey speak English. Yes or no?”

Case closed.

The Strategic Exit

Sometimes “you dey speak English” is not even about nonsense. It is about boredom.

You are explaining cryptocurrency to your uncle who still writes cheques.

You are on minute twelve.

He adjusts his cap and says:

“Okay, okay. You dey speak English.”

That is your cue. He has moved on. Mentally, he is already at the pepper soup joint. You are now lecturing yourself.

It is the conversational equivalent of switching off the generator while someone is still ironing.

The Diplomatic Redirection

In Nigerian social settings, direct confrontation is optional. Humour is preferred. Rather than saying, “I disagree with your flawed premise and reject your analytical framework,” one simply says:

“My brother, you dey speak English.”

It is efficient. It is humane. It avoids war.

Imagine if international diplomacy adopted this doctrine.

Press conference at the United Nations:

Delegate: “Our multi-lateral strategic rebalancing initiative…”

Nigerian ambassador: “Respectfully, you dey speak English.”

Peace restored.

The Legal Profession Problem

As a former lawyer, I must confess: we are the chief offenders.

We do not say, “The contract is void.”

We say:

“Having considered the totality of the circumstances, it would appear that the instrument may not withstand judicial scrutiny.”

Which is professional English for: it’s rubbish.

If Nigerian clients were fully honest, courtrooms would echo with:

“Counsel, abeg. You dey speak English. Win the case.”

The Psychological Subtext

“You dey speak English” is also a signal of emotional fatigue.

Sometimes the speaker is not wrong. Sometimes the listener is simply done.

It is the verbal equivalent of:

closing the WhatsApp chat muting the group pretending the network is bad

It says: I no longer wish to engage this thesis.

And frankly, that is a level of honesty the British could learn from. Instead of ghosting, we announce the ghosting in advance.

Final Translation Guide

If a Nigerian says:

“You dey speak English.” → Reduce it to one sentence. “No worry, I hear you.” → They do not hear you. “Continue.” → Stop.

Language, in Nigeria, is a living thing. English arrived via colonial ships. It met pidgin, proverbs, market women, and bus conductors. It was reassembled and sent back into the world with attitude.

So the next time someone tells you that you “dey speak English,” do not rush to defend your grammar.

Defend your relevance.

Because in Nigeria, clarity is king, brevity is survival, and any sentence longer than necessary is already on trial.

And if this article has gone on too long—

You are permitted to say it, Oga Law, you dey speak English 😂😂😂

I will understand.