I know Christ said not to swear, but everything I type on this post is the gospel truth and may it not be well with me if I tell a lie.
To begin, if any brother here has “struggled” with a girl saying “no no no” but she lets him kiss and even suck breast, but will not let him go all the way, raise your hand. If when you get to her pant, she uses style to raise her waist so you can remove it, raise your hand. That is how we got to sleep with most girls while growing up. I am not talking of that one.
Also, if any brother here has had a girl as his friend and she even lies on his bed and they are close and his friends have told him “guy, you dey slack. Rush the babe” And the brother, thinking the babe is tripping for him and he tries and she says no but penis has raised and he keeps trying and she keeps fighting until he gives up knowing this NO is really really NO. And if you as the brother have then turned to beg the girl. Raise your hand. I am not even talking about that.
If you succeeded to “sleep” with the girl and she started crying and you started begging her in what we call RnB aka RAPE AND BEG, raise your hand.
Truth is, if you were in any way a spoilt boy, good reputable parents or not, we have all in some way been involved in some form of rape or attempt thereof. Nigerian girls, maybe because of culture of encouraging females to be demure, growing up, girls try to act like they do not want to have sex with a guy even when they do. Like Destiny’s Child “NO NO NO, when it is really YES YES YES” has led many “good” guys into near rape with girls who were hitherto close to them. I am not talking about this either.
I am talking about RAPE when you really know the girl is saying NO.
God forgive me but I have had people I call friends RAPE a girl IN MY ROOM and TWICE. God forgive me.
The first was in Uniben. My room is always crowded and with females and males. A friend I made in the later stages of Uniben raped a girl that came to Uniben to look for admission and trusted me enough to stay in my house. she slept in my room with my pseudo roommates for three days. At around 9:30 Late Samson Ohiomokhai and I had gone to Hall one leaving this girl behind and this my friend who stays in town and sleeps in my room now and then came, saw her and raped her. I came home and we all slept. The next morning I saw her countenance and asked her what was wrong and she told me… after much prodding that my friend raped her. I saw this girl grow up. But for the fact she knew me and the tears in my eyes, this girl would have thought I planned it. I took 2k and made my friend bring some money and I gave her to go and treat herself. She never brought up this rape issue again. We both pretend it never happened. IT DID. Now, none of the girl’s sisters that I am also close to ever asked me about the incidence. When I saw them, I expected to be confronted. Everything was normal between us. SHE NEVER TOLD HER OWN SISTERS.
Again in Ketu Longjohns Chino and his twin brother, will bear me witness. I had a crowd of girls, actresses, singers, models and dancers come and stay with me. Those in entertainment will understand the crowded living. A now radio presenter that was squatting every now and then, that night we went to the club and came back late. Girls and boys were all over the flat. The next morning, again I saw this girl angry. I cannot even remember her face or name. She told me “this your friend is the devil. He raped me” Now we were all in the flat and sleeping and a guy successfully raped a girl, a girl wise in worldly ways. She did not tell everyone. I asked her and she told me, looking daggers at this my friend. This time, I knew my friend got paid as an upcoming comedian. I took the money from his wallet and again, sadly, gave this girl to go and “treat yourself”. She did not tell anyone nor scream. I told the Longjohns and I asked this friend to leave the house and till date he is my friend on Facebook but I do not speak to him. But more importantly, THE GIRL DID NOT EVEN TELL OTHER GIRLS IN THE FLAT.
Again, if I lie, let me not see tomorrow. I just had a call where this lady was telling me how she was almost raped as a 14 years old. She is very Sapele, though living in the US now. She is from a rugged area in my town. She tells how she went to see a friend and the compound bros, a very popular guy living in London now and very respected told her to sit in his house while he gets her. That he locked the door and tried to rape her. That she, being raised tough, and perhaps this guy not being a friend or avuncular or being someone she respected, she fought him and that she escaped and went home without her shoes. Again, NOTE THIS. She never told the girl she went to meet, never told her family. Only person she has ever told is her ex boyfriend. She never told her husband. I am the second person she is telling in this life. This is decades later.
Many times, WOMEN DO NOT TELL WHEN RAPED. The society is not kind to victims of rape. Azanuwa Tobore may remember one night a girl was raped in beside their house in Otomewo road. The girl was a young girl no more than 17. She was comjng from church. I was called to come and the minute I saw her and a crowd about to gather, I quickly told the girl “As you no know who rape you and as you say you never see am before, why you no go house before people know say them rape you?” And the women around said “na true. My pikin go quick make people no go start to talk”. I think I remember seeing the quiet Tobore that night. His father was a top police man, OTOMEWO of Ughelli. We never went to tell the father upstairs. We were more interested in saving the girl and her reputation.
Saving her and her reputation…
And she is the victim of a crime
Yet we worried about her reputation and how people would look at her.
“no be that girl wey them rape? wetin she dey waka alone for? You no sure say she want the fcuk? How you take sure say na rape? Look wetin she wear. That girl go grow to be ashawo. No be by church” I could almost hear them say. So I ensured the girl left and none remembered her as a rape victim
I wonder where she is now and how that jncidence has shaped her life. She most likely will know me. Principal pikin. Ena Ofugara. But I cannot remember her anymore.
Many women… MOST WOMEN do not speak up after rape. Many do not scream. The reactions are varied. Some fight. Some are like deer in front of a car’s headlight. IMMOBILIZED. They just obey the rapist like robots. And if as a man you doubt this, you have not been attacked in university by cult boys or by armed robbers. I have seen big men who carry weight oppressed by small brilliant boys with “back up”. Aghomi Gabriel, tell them of that huge guy wey one guy lock for room as he think say he be hulk hogan and how the guy loyal once he know say wetin pass am want meet am. He call police? He report? He no loyal???? DEER IN THE FACE OF HEADLIGHTS. Immobilized. Obedient. “Kneel down. Slap yourself. lick sand” for boys. And for girls, “open your leg. Close your mouth. If you talk I go… no one will believe you sef.”
Sometimes it is the threat. Sometimes it is the brain going off. Sometimes IT IS SHOCK. Some people’s brain go off in times of trauma.
Many times they say NOTHING after it.
Men hide violence towards them… a slap. Their babe slapped in their presence. Their babe raped in their presence. For the girls. They often go quietly.
Their COPING STRATEGY IS DENIAL.
They banish the whole experience to their subconscience. They continue to be friends with the RAPIST or CULT BOY THAT SLAPPED THEM. Sometimes the women begin to DATE their rapist just to tell themselves they were not RAPED and that it was consensual. Rape has stigma. Sex with a boyfriend does not. So they date the rapist. For boys, they join the very confraternity that their oppressors belong to and become best friends with the guy who, while they were “Jews”, “rats” “lubber” (not yet members of a cult) beat them up and took their money and made them buy beers for them. THEY ARE FRIENDS TO THEIR OPPRESSORS FROM BACK THEN. For Some women, many married to their husbands, the first time was forced sex or “rape” even if they liked him but that was not the day they wanted to “GIVE HIM”. They were raped and just CONTINUED.
If you are a guy and you “fought love fight” with a babe who allows you kiss but will not let you “enter”, if finally you “enter” and you say PRAISE THE LORD as you feel the wetness, not knowing you will succeed, raise your hand.
If you are a girl and you really did not want to sleep with a guy just yet or even at all. But the minute his penis enters you you have said “well, wetin remain. He already has entered me. What is left? Let me just date him.” Raise your hand.
DENIAL. Coping mechanism. You deny to yourself telling yourself you were not raped, either by acting like the event never happened and continuing to be your pastor and or uncle or cousin or course rep or lecturer or priest friend even though they raped you. YOU ACT NORMAL. The brain has rewired itself. Amnesia. SELECTIVE AMNESIA. You forget sad events. You continue in the church. You even let him dedicate your child. COPING! Selective amnesia.
About half of women, especially girls who armed robbers have entered their houses to steal were also RAPED. They talk about their phones but never the RAPE. They are not just hiding it from society, THEY ARE HIDING IT FROM THEMSELVES.
DENIAL! Amnesia. Protective amnesia. COPING. DEFENSE MECHANISM
But the subconscious has a way of being like a molten magga. It is VOLCANIC. It bubbles below the surface. It affects the individual in all their choices. For men, many become wife-beaters, trying to never be seen as weak again. Some begin to stockpile guns as many in the US do. For women, they cannot trust their husbands or any man. One woman said she would never allow her husband bathe her daughter. We jumped on her. But we do not know her history or experience, whether personal or of a sibling or close friend. Was she raped by her father or uncle or brother and projecting this on her husband? When Timi Dakolo makes to teach aspiring young girls how to sing, does his wife have flashes from her subconscious and imagine or in fact like psychosis actually SEE Timi raping these innocent wide-eyed trusting would-be singers and he givjng them KREST as a certain pastor did her? Is her distrust for Timi from that?
Such is the nature of rape and violence. For some they fight and speak up and report… the tough few. Those ones heal quickly. For the vast majority, even in America and UK where the police will jail the rapist, MANY STAY SILENT FOR YEARS. Few come out and speak up, so they can save other girls from these predators or so they can have CLOSURE. Now imagine a Nigeria where a raped woman will never get justice from the police who will grant bail to the rapist for 20k?
But not everyone can stay wuiet forever, not with the global and influencing ME TOO MOVEMENT.
Like Volcanoes, many women’s subconsciius are erupting.
The Volcano erupts and will burn all in its path.
But the magma, after burning and after it cools down makes fertile soil years later for growth of crops and a city. For growth and HEALING of the body that hid such pain and or betrayal of trust an or just plain recipient of evil, sometimes the volcano erupts.
And the truth is told, believed or not. Belated or not.
Those who say “why did you not speak up since” are neophytes in the psychology of rape. Let each look in the eyes of ten women they trust and who trusts them and ask “can a girl or woman hide the fact she was raped for years” and let them open their minds and LISTEN. Chances are they will receive an education.
Let them ask just how common rape is. Then ask about rape in families…. fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, relatives, family friends. Let them ask how many spoke up and how many did not u til years and years later.
They will receive an education.