WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.