The speech by General Boris Johnson on the very British coup

IN the name of Brexit , I declare martial law over the United Kingdom. The Constitution is

suspended and the regional government and elected assemblies are hereby dissolved.

All political and trade union activities, together with all demonstrations and unauthorised gatherings are banned until further notice.

The aim of the Revolutionary Tory Brexit Council is to establish a strong united and prosperous nation, free from the European Union. Our method of achieving this is strictly unconstitutional but we have no doubt that every Brit will give us maximum cooperation by assisting the regime and not disturbing the peace during the slight changes that are taking place.

I am to assure all Europeans living and working in this part of the UK that their rights may continue to be respected. All treaty obligations previously entered into with any foreign nation may be respected and we hope that such nations will respect our country’s territorial integrity and will avoid taking sides with enemies of the revolution and enemies of the people.

My dear countrymen, you will hear, and probably see a lot being done by certain bodies charged by the Supreme Tory Brexit Council with the duties of exiting the EU.

As an interim measure parliament is suspended

Harmful or injurious publications, and broadcasts or other ill defined actions, will be punished by any suitable sentence deemed fit by the Tory Party. Shouting of slogans, loitering and rowdy behaviour will be rectified by any sentence of incarceration, or any more severe punishment deemed fit by Department of Exiting the EU.

Doubtful loyalty will be penalised by imprisonment or any more severe sentence. Illegal possession or carrying of firearms, smuggling or trying to escape with documents, valuables, including money or other assets vital to the running of any establishment will be punished by death sentence.

Wavering or sitting on the fence and failing to declare open loyalty with Brexit will be regarded as an act of hostility punishable by any sentence deemed suitable by the Tory and DUP aid and assist partnership .

My dear countrymen, no citizen should have anything to fear, so long as that citizen is law abiding and if that citizen has religiously obeyed the laws of the country and those set down in every heart and conscience since the Exiting EU referendum .

Our enemies are the political profiteers, the remainers, the men in high and low places that seek to keep this great country in the EU and those that seek to open up our country to foreigners and keep us divided.

Like good Brexiters we are promising everything miraculous or spectacular. But what we do not promise every law abiding citizen is freedom from fear and all forms of oppression, freedom from general inefficiency and freedom to live and strive in every field of human endeavour, both nationally and internationally. We promise that you will more ashamed to say that you are British.

I leave you with a message of good wishes and ask for your support at all times, so that our land, watered by river Thames and others, the white cliffs of Dover, shall not detract the UK from gaining sway in any great aspect of international endeavour. My dear countrymen, this is the end of this speech.

I wish you all good luck and I hope you will cooperate to the fullest in this job which we have set for ourselves of establishing a prosperous nation and achieving solidarity.

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