Step 1: Get the Loan. (This is the easy part). Preferably a large, multi-billion naira sum from a struggling bank. Use your political clout as collateral – it’s worth more than anything tangible!
Step 2: Ignore Payment Reminders. They’re just polite suggestions, right? Think of them as junk mail for your ego.
Step 3: When AMCON Comes Knocking, Blame Someone Else. It was the economy, the bank’s poor management, your Auntie’s cat… anything! (Actually, skip the cat, they might seize it).
Step 4: Hire an Army of Lawyers. More lawyers = more delay tactics. File motions, counter-motions, appeals, injunctions, habeas corpus, carpe diem… whatever sounds legalistic and slows things down.
Step 5: Utilize Courtroom Delay Tactics. Pretend to be sick, claim your documents were eaten by a goat, or simply don’t show up. The longer you can drag it out, the better.
Step 6: Leverage Political Connections. A well-timed call to a powerful friend might just make AMCON “accidentally” misplace your file. Or maybe they can offer you a cabinet position – in a ministry where debt doesn’t exist!
Step 7: Threaten Legal Action for ‘Harassment’. How dare they ask for their money back?! Accuse them of targeting you politically. This always makes for good headlines and wins you sympathy from your (unpaid) employees.
Step 8: Change Political Parties (If Necessary). If you’re facing heat from one administration, defect to the other! It worked for some, why not you? Just remember to update your business cards.
Step 9: Negotiate a Deal (But Never Intend to Follow Through). Agree to a repayment plan you have no intention of honoring. By the time they realize you’ve defaulted again, you’ll have another plan ready. It’s the circle of debt, my friend.
Step 10: Declare Bankruptcy (as a Last Resort). This might lose you some credibility, but at least they can’t take your dignity… oh, wait, they can take everything else. Maybe reconsider Step 8.
Bonus Tip: Write a Book About Your ‘Struggles’. Call it “The Debt-Defying Politician” or “How I Taught AMCON to Chill.” The proceeds can go towards hiring more lawyers.
Remember, persistence is key. They might have the law on their side, but you have political ambition, an army of lawyers, and a general disregard for financial responsibility. Who says you can’t have it all?
Centre for Nigeria Progress 