When Unsolicited Advice Meets Unsolicited Shade by Lawson Akhigbe

Setting:

A simple split-screen or virtual debate table. One side has a Nigerian flag and a slightly dusty ECOWAS logo. The other has a bold “Sovereignty First” banner and a small Alliance of Sahel States pin. Both characters face the camera like they’re on a late-night panel that got too real.

—

SHEHU SANI
(measured, elder-statesman tone, leaning forward)

Look, my brothers in the Sahel… the way forward is simple. Organise elections. Transit to civil rule. Work closely with ECOWAS if you don’t want to rejoin. Otherwise you’ll keep watching your backs against your own military colleagues. Depending on Russia for protection is not sustainable. We’ve seen this movie before.

NATHALIE YAMB
(cool smile, voice dripping with polite contempt) 

Ah, Senator. How generous of you. The day we need advice from a country run by a drug kingpin, a country that has been incapable of getting rid of Boko Haram for decades, a country that calls on the Americans to bomb its own people and on France to destabilise its neighbours… we’ll let you know. 

Until then, please keep the unsolicited wisdom. We’re full.

SHEHU SANI
(slightly offended, adjusting his posture)

This is not about Nigeria’s problems. This is about regional stability. Coups don’t last forever. History is clear

NATHALIE YAMB
History is also clear that the same ECOWAS that couldn’t stop the bleeding in the Sahel suddenly becomes very interested in “democracy” the moment countries stop renting their airspace and gold to the usual landlords. You want us to return to the classroom after the teacher has been caught selling the exam papers? Interesting pedagogy.

SHEHU SANI
You think Russia is a permanent solution? Look at what happens when the big power loses interest.

NATHALIE YAMB
And you think ECOWAS is a permanent solution? Look at what happens when the big power next door still has Boko Haram on speed dial and still invites foreign jets to “help” with internal security. At least when we watch our backs now, we’re watching them against people who actually live in the same desert as us… not against people who keep forgetting where their own insecurity starts and ours begins.

SHEHU SANI
(sighs)

I’m only saying what experience has taught us.

NATHALIE YAMB
And I’m only saying what experience has taught *us*. When the classroom is on fire and the teacher is still collecting rent from the arsonists, the students are allowed to leave the building. We’ll organise our own exams when the smoke clears. Until then… don’t call us. We’ll call you. 

(leans back, almost cheerful)
Or maybe we won’t.


Some people offer advice. Others offer receipts.